The Tent
So I have a crush on this guy. It's harmless really. Just a mild crush on a neighbor. Chief thinks I'm ridiculous. See, he has a girlfriend whom he lived with until recently, when she moved off to live in Montana for a year. Also, he's two weeks shy of being 21 years old. It's not ideal, but like I said, it's just a harmless crush. Oh, and she thinks that he's homophobic because he's latino. Yeah, apparently Chief likes to marginalize and stereotype people. It's not her fault, she is from Connecticut.
He lives downstairs from Chief, who I will be housesitting for over the next week. I was visiting her the other day and he was out working on his moped with Bald Jew. I hadn't met Moped Guy before, but I had heard all about him and his girlfriend from Chief (she's a terrible gossip, especially when she gets together with Madge). So, we met and I went upstairs. At the end of the evening, as I was leaving, I ran into Moped Guy again. I mentioned that I was housesitting soon and that we should have a huge party with kegs of beer and midget strippers while Chief was gone. I mostly said this for Chief to overhear and scold me, but a small part of me was hoping we could hang out in a very harmless crush sort of way. He seemed into it (even the part about the midget strippers), and I went home.
Yesterday, after a nearly pointless but very interesting bike ride with Chief, I went to her place to get the skinny on the dog and the house for my housesitting stint this week. As we were bbq'ing and drinking beers her dog, Booger, managed to scarf up an entire hot dog from the grill (It was Chief's first time grilling on her own and she hadn't yet learned the lesson that hot dogs roll and must be forked instead of spatulaed from the grill.) Of course, Booger swallowed the dog whole and then, just a few minutes later, started to wretch all over the porch. The puke began to drip through the wooden slats onto the porch below and then ultimately to Moped Guy's porch below that. As Chief was cleaning up, Moped Guy came out from his porch to ask if that was indeed dog puke that was dripping onto his porch. After Chief apologized profusely, and while Booger uploaded another healthy dose of greenish-brown puke, chunky style, Moped Guy got some beer and came up to hang out.
Of course I was a tad nervous. Nervous that my harmless crush would be outed at some point while we were hanging out and then it would just be awkward and uneasy. I don't want to scare the guy away. Hell, I don't even want to go out with the guy...I just want to stare at him for awhile. He's fucking hot.
So, we're hanging out, he's an artist, his whole family is uber-talented (one a photographer, one an engineer, his father a doctor, etc.). We're looking at his older brother's photography online (which was extremely homoerotic I might add) and smoking a spliff. It was all very nice.
We're talking about biking and summer, beaches and what-not. I mention that he could bike up to a great beach on the north shore and he suggests that we bike there together. Panic stricken, I look at Chief for help. She offers nothing. Of course I think it's a great idea, the guy is nice and very interesting. It would be great to hang out more. But I definitely need supervision, for some reason I can't be trusted around really hot latinos. So I suggest we wait for Chief's significant other to get back to town and we can all go together. Moped Guy agrees, but then posits that even if Chief's SO can't go, him and I could still bike to the beach together. He even offers to pack along his tent "just in case...". What the fuck does that mean? He is Venezuelan, but I don't think they sit on the beaches of Venezuela in tents. Do they? Why do we need a tent if we are just biking to the beach? Now I'm nervous, horny and confused. It's like being a teenager all over again.
Well, I start the housesitting in a couple of days, and already Moped Guy and I have plans to get high and watch the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory together. His idea. Even Chief is questioning the guy's sexuality. But not to worry. He's only 20 years old, he's got plenty of time to figure it out.
He lives downstairs from Chief, who I will be housesitting for over the next week. I was visiting her the other day and he was out working on his moped with Bald Jew. I hadn't met Moped Guy before, but I had heard all about him and his girlfriend from Chief (she's a terrible gossip, especially when she gets together with Madge). So, we met and I went upstairs. At the end of the evening, as I was leaving, I ran into Moped Guy again. I mentioned that I was housesitting soon and that we should have a huge party with kegs of beer and midget strippers while Chief was gone. I mostly said this for Chief to overhear and scold me, but a small part of me was hoping we could hang out in a very harmless crush sort of way. He seemed into it (even the part about the midget strippers), and I went home.
Yesterday, after a nearly pointless but very interesting bike ride with Chief, I went to her place to get the skinny on the dog and the house for my housesitting stint this week. As we were bbq'ing and drinking beers her dog, Booger, managed to scarf up an entire hot dog from the grill (It was Chief's first time grilling on her own and she hadn't yet learned the lesson that hot dogs roll and must be forked instead of spatulaed from the grill.) Of course, Booger swallowed the dog whole and then, just a few minutes later, started to wretch all over the porch. The puke began to drip through the wooden slats onto the porch below and then ultimately to Moped Guy's porch below that. As Chief was cleaning up, Moped Guy came out from his porch to ask if that was indeed dog puke that was dripping onto his porch. After Chief apologized profusely, and while Booger uploaded another healthy dose of greenish-brown puke, chunky style, Moped Guy got some beer and came up to hang out.
Of course I was a tad nervous. Nervous that my harmless crush would be outed at some point while we were hanging out and then it would just be awkward and uneasy. I don't want to scare the guy away. Hell, I don't even want to go out with the guy...I just want to stare at him for awhile. He's fucking hot.
So, we're hanging out, he's an artist, his whole family is uber-talented (one a photographer, one an engineer, his father a doctor, etc.). We're looking at his older brother's photography online (which was extremely homoerotic I might add) and smoking a spliff. It was all very nice.
We're talking about biking and summer, beaches and what-not. I mention that he could bike up to a great beach on the north shore and he suggests that we bike there together. Panic stricken, I look at Chief for help. She offers nothing. Of course I think it's a great idea, the guy is nice and very interesting. It would be great to hang out more. But I definitely need supervision, for some reason I can't be trusted around really hot latinos. So I suggest we wait for Chief's significant other to get back to town and we can all go together. Moped Guy agrees, but then posits that even if Chief's SO can't go, him and I could still bike to the beach together. He even offers to pack along his tent "just in case...". What the fuck does that mean? He is Venezuelan, but I don't think they sit on the beaches of Venezuela in tents. Do they? Why do we need a tent if we are just biking to the beach? Now I'm nervous, horny and confused. It's like being a teenager all over again.
Well, I start the housesitting in a couple of days, and already Moped Guy and I have plans to get high and watch the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory together. His idea. Even Chief is questioning the guy's sexuality. But not to worry. He's only 20 years old, he's got plenty of time to figure it out.
posted by Howard at 10:34 AM
2 Comments:
Like I said, the "tent" he's talking about is probably the tent in his pants.
Seriously, though, folks. Look at it this way - you know your gay, and he knows your gay. Whatever weird "Did he mean to grab my crotch forcefully, or was he just reaching for the remote" situations you might find yourself in, he knows the score, so it's all up to him.
Wait...I'm gay? Crap.
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